by: E.B. Johnson
Welike to think that ending a bad relationship clears the slate, but that’s not the whole picture. While ending a partnership that’s gone toxic is certainly a good thing — it can come with a world of complications all its own. If there are children involved, then severing things becomes a lot more nuanced. When you don’t consider the mistakes you’ve made, you end up right back in the same spot. Don’t assume that breaking things off will clean up all your problems in life. In ending things, there’s a lot to be considered.
The truth about leaving bad relationships.
Many people think that ending a terrible relationship wraps things up. But that’s not entirely true. When you’re tied into a truly toxic partnership, endings aren’t always that clear-cut. The fact of the matter is that ending a bad relationship doesn’t always mean it’s over. You’re still going to feel bad and continue to repeat the same patterns until you make some major changes in your life.
It doesn’t mean it’s over
Leaving your bond behind doesn’t always mean that it’s entirely “over”. That’s especially true when there are children involved. When that’s the case, there is still limited contact that has to be maintained, and a continued emotional tie even when there’s not. Your children will always be a reminder of the life that you shared with that person, and everything you hoped for it to become.
You’re still going to feel bad
No matter what quality of relationship you had with your partner, you’re still going to feel bad after a breakup to some degree. It’s inevitable. Our partnerships fill a big space in our lives. Losing that relationship, we’re left in a rather large and uncomfortable space. We can feel lonely, heartsick, and even guilty about making the choice to walk away. But giving those feelings time, we realize that they quickly fade away.
It’ll happen again and again
If you don’t make conscious changes in regard to your relationship patterns, you’re going to find yourself repeating the same relationships over-and-over again. Many times these patterns are linked to lessons learned in childhood, as well as reinforced beliefs that are built on, as we fail from one relationship to the next. We fall into these bad partnerships again-and-again until we learn to honor ourselves and do things differently.
It can be a pointless move
Because bad relationships are tied into our baselines and bad beliefs, we end up in cycles that destroy our sense of self. While leaving a terrible relationship can feel like an initial boost to our happiness, that fades quickly when we don’t act in an effort to make our next relationships different. It’s pointless running from one monster into the arms of another. You’ve got to choose differently in life and in love.
Leaving won’t make you happy
Leaving won’t make you happy if you don’t know how to make yourself happy. You’ll still end up frustrated and heartbroken if you don’t learn how to validate your own experiences, and honor yourself simply for being alive. To make your leaving worthwhile, you have to do it from a place of confidence. Know you’re leaving a disrespectful or toxic partner so that you can make room for a better partner — yourself.
It’s not a straightforward process
You’re not just going to wake up one morning and end a sick relationship. It’s a process that’s going to take time. You’ve got to build up your courage and make sure that it’s something you want to do. Then you have to set up your plans and decide how you want to communicate the ending to your partner. There are even more spinning wheels to consider when the relationship does finally end (including your own emotional turmoil). Ending a bad relationship is anything but a straightforward process.
Why it’s still the best thing for you to do.
Even though ending a nasty relationship doesn’t always “end” it, a breakup is still the best thing for you to do. You can’t get a good relationship until the bad one is closed and out of the way. More than that, it’s the best way to protect yourself from a toxic or dangerous person. You deserve a love that’s worthwhile, but you actively have to welcome that into your life — along with the lessons that come from leaving a bad relationship in the dust.
1. The only way to get what you need
Although leaving your relationship might be a rocky process, it’s still the primary way to get what you need in terms of love and wellbeing. You’re not going to get to the partner who values you until you rid yourself of the one who doesn’t. There’s no protecting your safety until the monster under the bed is in the past. Shutting the door on a terrible relationship is still the best thing to do when there’s no resolution (or peace) to be had.
Leaving a toxic relationship is the only way to get yourself to a better state of being. If you stay where you aren’t wanted, protected, and appreciated — then you’ll never have the space you need to cultivate authentic joy. Finding real love requires that you shed those bad things that are blocking it from you.
We have to think of our lives as being a very enclosed and finite space (much like a box). There’s only so much space in that box. If you fill box up with a bunch of dangerous or careless people, then there’s no room left for the loving and supportive people to fill up space around us. We have to make wise choices in order to get where we want (with the people we need) in the future. That means cutting ties with toxic partnerships that hold us back from being a better and more loved person.
2. A better way to protect yourself
Protecting your wellbeing and physical safety should be a top priority in any relationship. If you partner has no regard for your body or your space, then you need to do what needs to be done in order to make sure you’re safe. There’s no excuse for hitting you or even threatening you with physical violence. Rather than being terrorized, you must expect a better future for yourself and do what needs to be done to attract it.
Leaving a bad relationship is the best way to protect yourself from it. While we tend to think that sticking around keeps us safe, it doesn’t. As a matter of fact, toxic relationships have a habit of escalating before they spit us out on the other side. You can’t afford to hold on in the hopes that it will calm down.
Protect yourself from an abusive partner. Educate yourself on the nature of abusive relationships and find a way to establish a support network that’s independent of your partner. Lean into them. Look to their support. If you’re able, work with a professional to develop a safety and escape plan. Leaving your partner will be a volatile endeavor. Make sure you’re looking out for your wellbeing. Do things in phases and make sure your finances and important documents are secured. When the time is right, make your getaway and find some place where you’re surrounded by safe support systems.
3. You don’t deserve that treatment
Stepping away from a terrible relationship is often necessary to accept some personal truths. We don’t deserve to be treated badly by people we otherwise try to love and support. Whether your partner hits you or screams at you, that’s not behavior that has to be allowed into your life. Realizing that, though, often requires a significant act of bravery. That includes walking away from someone who doesn’t respect you or provide what you need emotionally.
You never deserved to be treated badly by your partner, and you still don’t. That’s not what a committed relationship is supposed to be about. We shouldn’t feel the need to punish one another. We should strive to lift one another up and encourage true growth.
Accept that you never deserved your bad relationship. You simply allowed yourself to settle for it, because you thought it was all you deserved. Now that you know better, you can boost your self-esteem and more earnestly pursue partnerships that honor and value you as a person. The right relationship is out there, but true love won’t come to you until you believe you’re worthy of that partner. Hold yourself (and your partners) to higher standards by severing ties with those partnerships that bring you no peace or love.
4. Learning bigger lessons
Part of being human is learning and growing. We learn more about ourselves (and more about others) as we experience life and establish relationships. There are especially big lessons that we can take away from our intimate relationships. When you walk from a broken relationship, you uncover the depth of your strength and the deepest desires of your heart.
There’re bigger lessons in your failed relationships, and they can teach us everything. Instead of seeing this as a failure, see it as a learning opportunity. Now you know what you don’t want. Now you know (more realistically) what a toxic or manipulative partner looks like.
Bad relationships only become failures if we learn nothing from them. They are only failures if we keep repeating the same toxic activities over-and-over again. If you learn a bigger lesson, then the time you spend dealing with atoxic relationship (and its fallout) have value. That makes it easier to look with compassion at the time you spent chasing someone who didn’t have what you needed.
5. Manifesting a love that’s worthwhile
At some point, you must realize that ridding yourself of a toxic partnership is the primary action behind manifesting a love that’s worthwhile. The right partner is out there. They will treat you exactly as you want to be treated, and they will love with and support you unquestionably. There’s no room for them to come into your life, though, if all your time and energy is being monopolized by a toxic, abusive, or otherwise unfulfilling partner.
Leaving a bad relationship is part of manifesting a better love that’s more worth your time and energy. We can’t manifest if we aren’t actively putting ourselves in the environments in which those things are possible. So, to get a love that you want — you have to get rid of the ones that aren’t serving you.
Even though it may end up taking you years to fully separate yourself from the toxic relationship in your life, it’s still worthwhile. That’s because it’s still the best way to get from what you don’t want to the things that you don’t want. Stop believing that you’ll get a better partner by holding on to the broken one that you have. You can’t expect that out of someone who has never proven themselves to you. Manifesting a worthy love requires walking away from the ones that aren’t.
Putting it all together…
Are you preparing to leave an awful relationship? Thinking of walking away from a partner who doesn’t show up? Or a partner who terrorizes you? While leaving is the best thing to do in the long-run, it’s important to be realistic about the process. If you share children with a toxic partner, or you’re stuck in an abusive situation — the leaving process becomes a little less straight-forward. Know what you’re walking into so that you can prepare accordingly.
Leaving a terrible relationship is the only way to get back your power and your peace of mind. That perfect relationship you’ve been dreaming of? It won’t come along until the bad ones are over. Walking out is the best way to protect ourselves in the long-term when things get toxic. It takes time, though, and it requires planning. Don’t hold on longer than you should. You don’t deserve to be disrespected. You don’t deserve to be terrorized and fearful. Take the bigger lessons that you can and move on to brighter horizons. You have the power to manifest a love that’s worthwhile, but not until you rid yourself of the ones that are zapping your power and your energy.